Hey There! Oh, Isolation is being Re-Written! If you want to see the original story (for whatever reason), a Google Doc is available here!
You're afraid of losing them. It only makes sense that you are; aside from romantic interests, you're practically family. In spite of everything they've clearly been going through and putting onto you, wanting what's best for them is the only thought that immediately occurs to you. You have every right to be angry. But that feels bad. And you already fear you're hurting them by being close to them in the first place. That being the person they love makes it inevitable that... wanting what you want hurts them.
You don't think he's ready.
I don't think I am either. But I can't fix anything by just smiling about it. I need to be direct with him. I need... I want to understand him.
That'll fix it?
It'll do something. I can figure things out afterwards. I always have.
"Sorry, uh..."
Bran stops walking to the elevator and looks over his shoulder to Tor'me.
"What exactly are you going to say to him?"
...I didn't really have it put into words yet.
"I think I'm gonna go and ask him what's going on in his head."
Tor'me and It'kara just looked confused, but everyone stopped walking anyways so Bran kept talking. "Yeah, so I think we can all agree that something's been bothering him ever since you guys came down to the planet. Uh... no offense."
Tor'me put a palm up, then It'kara shook their head alongside him. None taken, thankfully.
"Yeah, but I really don't know what I can do to help him get through it or move past it or whatever he needs to do. So... maybe if I can get him to tell me exactly what he's feeling or thinking... you - or someone else can help him?"
Bran expected one of them to say anything. They didn't.
"Okay then," It'kara suddenly let out, actually making Bran jump a bit. "I think that makes sense."
"As long as Joshua is open to receiving help, we'll do what we can."
"Okay," Bran sighed, turning back to the elevator, pressing the button that leads to the plaza.
"Do you think he will be?" asked Tor'me, making Bran freeze a bit, then turn back to look at him with his eyes getting a little hot.
Then he let some of his stress finally come out in words and tone to Tor'me; "I don't know." It left his stomach feeling empty.
The elevator opened up behind him, and Tor'me walked up beside Bran to brace his shoulders. "Well, I guess we can't know until we try, huh?"
"Yeah," It'kara said, stepping into the elevator and keeping the door open. "Emphasis on 'we'," they finished, grinning to Bran.
Bran smiled back automatically. He wanted to believe in Joshua, that all of his moaning these past few days has just been growing pains, that he just needs to get used to these people. Like the 'soldiers' are.
But he can't. Because it can't be that easy.
What?
Hm?
Where is that coming from?
You.
...U-.. I'm not giving up on him.
I didn't say you were. But you don't know where things'll go from here.
...
I need to calm down.
Bran started taking deep breaths as the elevator kept going down. They still couldn't see the plaza past interior walls. It felt like it was taking forever to get there. Everything started looking a bit fuzzy.
"You want us to back you up when you start talking?" It'kara said, making Bran turn around. A soft smile was on their lips. Maybe they were trying to make Bran feel better.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think... yeah." Bran didn't know what that would look like, though. "Try to keep things calm, I guess," he added, just in case.
The walls were gone when he turned back around, and Joshua was just below, looking straight down with his arms perched against the railing. Every now and then he'd shift his head under his shoulders and stretch his legs a bit, then go back to looking over and past the railing. He didn't look comfortable.
Bran's feet shifted as the elevator came to a stop, and the door opened. It took his legs a little while to start moving, and when they did his shoes seemed to drag.
I just want to help him. Why does this feel so hard?
You know he'll react badly if you tell him why you want him to get used to this place.
...
And you know you're going to tell him you want to leave Galvana with these people. It's the only logical step left in your arguments right now. 'Why should I feel comfortable around these people?' ''Cause you're going to live with them, at least for a little bit.'
Please stop.
...
"Joshua," Bran said simply as his eyes focused on Joshua's face. He saw Tor'me and It'kara behind him, then his eyes came back to Bran's. He looked tired, sad... lost in his head. "Are you doing okay?"
Joshua turned his eyes to the ground, letting out a sigh. "No," he finally answered after however long. "No, I'm not."
It's starting.
Stop.
"What's wrong?" Bran tried to put a hand on Joshua's left shoulder. Joshua moved away, letting the hand fall back to Bran's side as he looked to his face like he was about to say sorry.
"You already know what's wrong."
Why does he have to say it like that?
Joshua motioned with his hands as he spoke. "Look, I swear I'm trying to... be less cautious about all of this. It's just so much, and..." he stopped. Or the words in his head did.
"Did Tor'me do something wrong?" Bran asked, wondering to himself where these kinds of questions were a few days ago. He could feel Tor'me's eyes looking between the two of them.
Joshua looked to Tor'me for a split second before looking at the ground again. He sighed out some frustration at himself. "N-- No," Joshua let out, weakly.
"Then what is wrong?"
Joshua couldn't answer. The world around them faded away in the fuzz as Bran waited. Then...
"I am."
All at once, the fuzz was ripped away as if it was never there, and people going about their lives filled in the space left behind. And in spite of the new life filling his eyes, and the movement washing through his peripheral vision, time felt like it stopped.
"Wh... what?" Bran tried to say, as the answer started filling his head.
"None of this is wrong. I am. I don't fit into this space. I... I can't." He said it all so matter of factly, as if what he was saying wasn't so absurd. How is this conversation real?
Please, just let me focus on getting his words out.
...
"Joshua, what are you talking about? We haven't been here for longer than about a day, in our total time spent in this place. What do you mean you can't fit here?"
"I can't," Joshua reiterated. "You can, maybe 'Ichael can too, but... I can't. I don't really know how to describe it but being here, being... welcomed, talked to... none of it works for me. I can't feel myself accepting it like you seem to."
"Joshua," Bran said, "I'm not... it's not the easiest thing for me either. Maybe it looks like I have an easy time just talking to these people, but I'm starting from basically the same position as you. Talking to Sophia yesterday, I felt lost a lot of the time. It's all awkward and messy, even when I'm laughing."
"But you can still accept things as they are here," Joshua continued, raising Bran's anxiety. "I... I just can't. I can't change that. I don't even know how--"
"Joshua," It'kara said, stepping up behind Bran's left shoulder, "Joshua... look. There's no reason why you can't take some time to... learn, adjust to a few things."
Joshua looked confused, and almost hurt. "I... I can't take time."
"Of course you can," It'kara continued softly. "We'll give you time. We'll give you whatever you need. It's no problem."
"No." The word came out of Joshua in defiance. "That won't fix anything."
Oh my god, stop shutting down! Please, I just want to help you!
"What would fix it, Joshua?"
Tor'me came up from the other side, trying to speak softly like It'kara.
Joshua stopped in his tracks. "What?"
"What would fix it? What are you looking for when you think about changing?"
Thankfully, Joshua seemed to consider the question for a while. Hopefully it would calm him a bit more.
"I don't know" was all Joshua gave. But everyone game him more space to keep talking.
He didn't. At least, at first.
"When I was in Galvana, before all this," he began, looking primarily at Tor'me and It'kara, "my life was... I'd have to worry about fights even if nobody was planning on doing anything to me that day or any other day. I won't say it was good. But I could understand it. Because I had to. I... I don't know how to make sense out of a life that isn't that. I don't know how to imagine it. I can't. I'm..." he began again, looking over to Tor'me after a pause, "The past few days have been awful because they aren't like those days. I think... no, that is what I'm looking for. For those days to not feel like they're what I need now. But they do."
...Now I wish he wasn't talking.
"What are you talking about?" Bran's voice started shaking. "What about those days could possibly be what you need?"
"I already said it wasn't good. But not having them - or Galvana - doesn't feel good either,"
Bran was at a loss.
What exactly about those days feels good?? The only good things we got out of that were each other! And we can have that here!!
"Joshua," Tor'me started talking again, "I know you said I don't know you. But I know that feeling. I lived with it, for years, even as I was adjusting here."
"They associated their days of training with safety, even though it led to awful things happening, and them hurting people," It'kara added, shifting over to Tor'me and putting a hand on his left shoulder. "Tor'me didn't fully believe they weren't just gonna hurt more people."
"Honestly, I thought it was what I deserved at times. That I was better off in a place far away from everyone else. But I'm here. And I'm only really here because of the people that helped me, gave me space when I needed it. Things that can help you. Anybody can change."
Tears were welling up in Joshua's eyes. They weren't happy tears.
Why does this hurt you so much??
...
"GUYS!!"
You're afraid that things'll be the way they've been forever, even if everything else around you changes. The world and your life could get so unimaginably better in a pure way that could only happen in a storybook, and you think you'd still be stuck. Because there are things stuck inside of you. Sticky and sharp things. Things that rust not only on themselves, but on your body. You can feel it in your blood every time someone shows you kindness. The best moments of your life... tainted. Even if only by the thinnest layers of rust.
"Hey, I didn't know you were coming today!" It was so hard to keep themself from dropping the crutches and just hobbling over as fast as possible. Getting hurt and sent to the ship's hospital was the best thing to ever happen to 'Ichael, as far as they felt. "Did you all just get here? Oh, you were probably following them, weren't you? It'kara and... Tor'me, right?" The two fe'rots nod, but 'Ichael's already talking. "Yeah, right. So you haven't been to any places here yet have you? Oh, wait! Were you about to go see some? We just got back from that, we could take you too! Sofia and Kor'kara--"
"Sarah, actually. Sorry, it's Sarah." Sarah interrupted 'Ichael's frenzied words, making them turn back to register her words.
"Sarah, right. Sorry. But there's so much--"
'Ichael's words died in their head as they looked back to Joshua, Bran, It'kara and Tor'me. Their faces were all uncertain but also sad. Joshua was wiping tears from his eyes, Bran had a hard time looking at 'Ichael; Tor'me and It'kara looked like they wanted to tell 'Ichael something, but words weren't finding them.
"Is something wrong?" 'Ichael said, their anticipation of bad news slowing their speech significantly. Bran's head rose to look at 'Ichael directly, but his eyes still wandered a bit. After a while, he took a deep sigh through his nose.
"Joshua says he doesn't fit here."
The words themselves came out just fine, but it didn't feel like they should have. 'Ichael didn't share Bran's somber presentation with those words, though.
"Oh," 'Ichael begins, snapping their eyes to Joshua who does not look ready to keep talking. "Well, I mean... I probably don't either, right? But look at this place! Look at everybody! They fit! They did it, somehow, or are doing it!" 'Ichael's pointed hand goes from the fe'rots, macidai and Southern Paiute to the people from Galvana.
Bran's face livens up from 'Ichael's demonstration, and he turns back to Joshua. "Look at him," he starts, gesturing to 'Ichael. "He's trying. He's doing it. They're doing it." He moves his hand towards the 'soldiers' before putting it back to Joshua as if asking for something in his hand. "Nobody's saying it's going to be easy. You just have to start... at some point."
Bran's voice trailed off as Joshua continued to not respond. The whole group fell silent. Bran, Tor'me and It'kara kept looking at Joshua, waiting for him to do anything. 'Ichael turned back to Sarah and Kor'kara, who looked more lost than everyone else. Somehow more lost than 'Ichael felt.
What's going on? What's going to happen next? Why won't he say anything?
...
"I'm going back to Galvana," Joshua suddenly said, his face feeling...
Honestly, looking at his face... All I can say is it... doesn't 'look' like his face right now.
It doesn't look like 'him'.
...
...no, it doesn't.
"Why?" Bran asks. "The only people left there are the Marshall, the General, and Riand. You don't need to see them again."
"I'm not seeing them," Joshua replies. "I need some space to think."
"Space from what? Think about what?" Bran's words sounded like he was on the verge of sobbing.
"I..." Joshua couldn't finish his sentence. "Just... please." His breath was getting labored.
"Okay."
It'kara stepped up behind Bran, putting a hand on his shoulder and petting it with their padded fingers.
"I'll take you down."
Everybody followed them down to the little area everyone came through the first time 'Ichael was here. They could remember how awesome they thought everything was - how awesome everything still was. Something beyond their wildest dreams just happened randomly and now they're living here temporarily. In a freaking spaceship!
But right now, watching It'kara wave before getting into the pod, catching a glimpse of Joshua looking... dead, and everybody else just standing to their sides in silence...
Why is this happening??
"Did I do something wrong?"
The words came out of 'Ichael automatically, catching everyone by surprise, judging by Bran's face as he stepped up to them.
"No," he immediately said. "No you didn't." He started hugging 'Ichael by the shoulders - lightly, they still had to stay on the crutches - as they both watched the pod make it's way down to the planet. "Maybe... he just needs to process some things. I don't think he's lying about needing space."
"Yeah," Tor'me added. "And if anything goes wrong, we can always help him."
...Those words inspired both worry and relief to counteract each other in 'Ichael.
'Ichael's eyes landed on the sun, filtered through a moving spot in the window much darker than the rest of it. It helped to get their mind off of the thoughts in their head.
"Hey," Bran started, tugging 'Ichaels shoulder a bit. "You wanted to show me some things, right?"