Ch. 16 - Trust

Fun Fact: Autophobia is a fear of yourself, the fear of embodying your emotions or inner self, or the fear of being alone. Like any phobia, it affects everyone differently and can feel impossible to talk about, especially when you aren't even sure if you understand it. It is also a condition that one can have a very hard time even identifying in themself.

The nurse just watched 'Ichael as they sat down, trying to take a bite out of a sandwich. 'Ichael's injuries were still healing, so all of this was still hurting to a degree, but progress was being made.

"Are you sure you don't want to do this somewhere else?" the nurse asked, a bit shy.

"I'll eat here, then we can walk around," 'Ichael responded, their excitement leaking out a bit. They'd asked just last night if they'd be able to walk sometime soon, and Sarah had told them that, as long as they felt up to it, and under supervision, they could walk just about anywhere in the ship. 'Ichael had a hard time keeping themself in their room since. They just felt they had to move around, even if the bed was super comfortable.

Soon enough, the sandwich was gone, and after double-checking that crumbs weren't anywhere but the tray on their lap, they handed the tray over to the nurse and picked up the crutches at their side, basically jumping out of the chair.

"Slow down," the nurse said, chuckling. "Let me open the door." They were trying to hold the tray against their side with one arm while they did it, which did more to keep 'Ichael from launching themself out of the room than the nurse's words did. As soon as the door was fully opened, 'Ichael did everything they could to slowly follow the nurse out.

It helped to have to use crutches, obviously.

"We'll take this down to the mess hall," the nurse started, pointing to the tray and dishes on it, "then we can get started, okay?"

"Alright," 'Ichael said, smiling so hard it almost hurt. "So, we'll get to leave the hospital?"

"Yeah, but I'll need to let the front desk know where we're going. Do you have any specific places you'd like to see?"

"For right now, how about the uh... whatsit called, the 'plaza'?"

"Yeah. Sure thing." On the way to the mess hall, some nurses and doctors passed the both of them, some even waving to either 'Ichael or the nurse, and a few looking at 'Ichael with confusion or something like that. Not everyone got to know 'Ichael yet, even though they were technically the first human patient the fe'rots had, according to the nurse. But it didn't feel bad to them. It actually felt kinda nice, in comparison to what they assumed was nothing but hate from the people back in Galvana.

Well, except from Bran and Joshua, obviously.

...I miss them already. It hasn't even been over a day.

Suddenly, 'Ichael realized they were looking at the tray drop off with the nurse no where near it. They were back at the door without a tray, looking at 'Ichael and clearly expecting them to follow again. "You okay?" they asked as 'Ichael hurried over.

"Yeah, sorry. Just distracted."

"Alright."

Thankfully, the desk wasn't too far away, and 'Ichael's thoughts focused back on getting to walk around the ship. At least, they should, after the nurse is done talking. Mostly because...

"Hey, Kor'kara!"

...the receptionist helped 'Ichael with Kor'kara's name. They hadn't asked before.

"And this must be... 'Ichael?" The receptionist stood up from his chair, hand extended to shake 'Ichael's. "Glad to finally meet you! How have you been doing?"

"Alright," 'Ichael said while briefly shaking hands, and then quickly putting their hand back to their crutch to not lose balance. Some things to still get used to.

"They wanted to stretch their legs, so to speak," Kor'kara added, "and they're thinking of going to the plaza for a bit."

"Oh," the receptionist let out. "Okay then. Well if you decide to go anywhere else, just let me know beforehand, alright?"

"Yeah," 'Ichael responded, their excitement building up as the chance to get out of the halls was getting closer and closer.

"Alright," he replied back, reaching back behind to pull some cards out and hand them to Kor'kara. "Have fun!"

"We will!" Kor'kara said, leading 'Ichael back through the halls, almost satisfying 'Ichael's excitement by suddenly walking quicker than they had been before.

It took 'Ichael more effort to keep up now. "You wanna get out of here too Kor'kara?"

"Well you haven't made your excitement subtle," they chuckled. "Just wanna make sure I get to the door before you do." The smile on their face was very much a taunt.

"It's harder to move around like this than you think," 'Ichael said. "Like, I wanted to run earlier but..."

"I know. I just wanna make sure you don't try to hurt yourself."

The doors leading out weren't that far now. Kor'kara, true to their word, led them through to the public square with all the noise and movement 'Ichael remembered. One of the 'living metal' carriages came overhead and slipped through the ceiling, filling 'Ichael with that overwhelming wonder from their first time here. It felt so good.

They found themself just closing their eyes and taking a deep breath, as if they hadn't been breathing their entire life. They even almost fell over backwards from tilting their head so far, but thankfully Kor'kara had a hand standing ready to catch them.

"Careful," Kor'kara laughed out, as 'Ichael's eyes almost jumped out of their head. And as soon as they could see further down, they could see people. But like, more of them. And most of them were humans. Humans from Galvana.

"Oh yeah," Kor'kara interjected, leaning over the railing. "I guess some of them are getting to know the place."

"What's going on?" 'Ichael asked as they walk closer to the edge. "Why are the soldiers here?"

"Oh, uh... These guys decided to surrender." 'Ichael looked over to them, dumbfounded. "I heard they decided to try and... take matters into their own hands, but some other people who came here from Galvana convinced them that they didn't need to do that." 'Ichael's eyes widened, but Kor'kara waved them down a bit. "Not Joshua and Bran, though. It wasn't them. It was some office workers and accountants 'n such."

This was pretty hard to process for 'Ichael, to say the least. It wasn't all that long ago that one of those guys tried to kill them.

Actually, isn't that the guy who did that to me? Isn't that him down there right now?

"Oh yeah, he's here too."

'Ichael looked back at Kor'kara, more dumbfounded. "You know who he is?"

"Yeah," Kor'kara replied like it shouldn't be all that surprising. "I have to keep an eye out for him. A lot of us do, and not just for him."

'Ichael shifted their weight around, trying to keep their legs or arms from hurting too much. "So... you don't trust them yet."

"Not fully. Obviously, we want them to... get better, live better lives. But... that doesn't mean they're off the hook. Kind of a weird position to be in, I know; you gotta trust them just enough that they'll make better choices while helping them learn about those choices, but also watch out for them... hurting others. Or themselves."

They both turned back to look down at the crowds as 'Ichael's thoughts started turning. "I didn't think any of them would ever want to do anything like this."

Kor'kara gently put a hand on 'Ichael's shoulder. "Well, not to make you seem the same as them, but... You do. And so does Bran."

'Ichael tried to laugh. "Yeah, I guess..."

"You'd be surprised by what people actually want a lot of the time."

Those words stuck in their head as they continued watching that one guy. He was being guided by a fe'rot and one of the smaller aliens - a ma'cidai, I think they're called - all while acting completely differently from how 'Ichael found them to be. Off guard, kinda shy... he was also looking around like someone was out to get him. "Like he's a completely different person here," 'Ichael said out loud.

"Maybe the next time you meet him, that'll basically be true," Kor'kara said, standing up from the railing. "Wanna walk?"

'Ichael pushed themself up again, and rested their weight back on the crutches. "Yeah," they said, a mix of curiosity and relief coming out.

They made their way around the plaza balcony, taking in sights, browsing locations where people could take things - not quite stores, but close enough according to Kor'kara - and a few instances of Kor'kara having to explain to locals who 'Ichael even was.

Kor'kara told 'Ichael that it was because of the uniform pants and undershirt they were still wearing from yesterday. In spite of that, it made them feel the same way they did in the hospital; important, and noticed in a way that didn't carry the weight they were used to from down below.

The fe'rots, ma'cidai and natives might view them the same way they do the new soldiers, but it didn't matter. 'Ichael knew they're different. And after living here long enough, they'd get to see that, obviously.

...

How long will I get to live here?

Uh... well, I suppose that depends on what happens with Joshua and Brandenson. Maybe Joshua will get more comfortable here.

"'Ichael!"

Oh! Sofia found us! She's coming from an elevator at the far wall.

Ah! Speaking of...

"How're you doing today?" She continued, walking up and casually resting on a leg as 'Ichael did the same thing with their crutches.

"Oh I've been good," 'Ichael began, trying once again to be 'calm'. "I've had more energy than I know what to do with, honestly."

"If it wasn't for the crutches, they'd be running," Kor'kara informed Sofia with a laugh.

"Hey, only a little! I'd be kinda just... going wherever without you."

"Yeah, Tor'me told me something like that," Sofia interjected.

Everybody seemed to be having a really good time talking with 'Ichael. And they'd only met these people yesterday.

'Ichael's vision got a little blurry.

"Still some pain?" Sofia asked.

"Oh, yeah, but it's feeling better than before," 'Ichael said, wiping their tears.

Sofia watched them for a bit before speaking again. "Good. I'm glad to hear that."

"What about you? What are you doing today?" 'Ichael blurted out.

"Oh, I've actually got some free time right now," Sofia started, their face lighting up. "After talking to some people about what we discussed yesterday, I initially wanted to see how the 'kids' were faring. I'm not in charge of that, thank goodness," Sofia added, letting out a sigh.

"Yeah, but so far it's been going really well," Kor'kara said. "I'm not a psychologist, but it doesn't seem that this group had as close of a connection to Galvana as we thought. At least, most of them."

"Are the officers--"

"Yeah, it's mostly the officers," Kor'kara finished the thought. "More emotional and physical investment than most," they added, looking to 'Ichael. "It should be fine though. No reason why they can't live normal lives too."

Joshua and Bran's recent conflicts came to mind for 'Ichael again.

"Actually..." 'Ichael suddenly started saying, "What, uh... How do you think it would be like for them to do that?"

Sofia and Kor'kara both looked a little confused. "To... what, to live normal lives?" Kor'kara asked, tilting their head.

"Yeah," 'Ichael responded as the thought was finally complete in their head. Joshua, Bran and 'Ichael living away from that town - art piece or whatever it was - felt like a very nice idea. But...

"Well it'll definitely take some adjustments on their end," Kor'kara continued, "but we can give them everything they'd need up here already. That's one of the biggest hurdles when it comes to completely starting over your life."

Starting over. That phrase stuck to 'Ichael. They could think of the others being here, or living in a nice house with nice neighbors and nice food; it really wasn't that hard to do, even keeping in mind Joshua's real-life problems. But 'Ichael...

When 'Ichael tried to imagine themself in that kind of place, it was like... like looking into a mirror. There would just be a grey blob where 'Ichael was supposed to be. Like there always was.

How would I do that?

"How would I do that?"

The other two just looked at 'Ichael; Kor'kara's head tilted the other way, and Sofia's face looked a little sad, as well as wondering at the question. The moment stayed like this for a little bit as the sounds of the plaza continued on.

"Well," Sofia started, her expression coming back to a smile, "first you should worry about healing up. And speaking of," she continued, walking backwards a few steps, "is there anywhere else you wanna walk? We've been standing still for a bit."