Hey There! Oh, Isolation is being Re-Written! If you want to see the original story (for whatever reason), a Google Doc is available here!
Fun Fact: Autophobia is a fear of yourself, the fear of embodying your emotions or inner self, or the fear of being alone. Like many phobias, it affects everyone differently and can feel impossible to talk about, especially when you aren't even sure if you understand it. It is also a condition that one can have a very hard time even identifying in themself.
The nurse just watched 'Ichael as they sat down, trying to take a bite out of a sandwich. 'Ichael's injuries were still healing, so all of this was still hurting to a degree, but progress was being made.
"Are you sure you don't want to do this somewhere else?" the nurse asked, a bit shy.
"I'll eat here, then we can walk around," 'Ichael responded, their excitement leaking out a bit. They'd asked just last night if they'd be able to walk sometime soon, and Sarah had told them that, as long as they felt up to it, and under supervision, they could walk just about anywhere in the ship. 'Ichael had a hard time keeping themself in their room since. They just felt they had to move around, even if the bed was super comfortable.
Soon enough, the sandwich was gone, and after double-checking that crumbs weren't anywhere but the tray on their lap, they handed the tray over to the nurse and picked up the crutches at their side, basically jumping out of the chair.
"Slow down," the nurse said, chuckling. "Let me open the door." They were trying to hold the tray against their side with one arm while they did it, which did more to keep 'Ichael from launching themself out of the room than the nurse's words did. As soon as the door was fully opened, 'Ichael did everything they could to slowly follow the nurse out.
It helped to have to use crutches, obviously.
"We'll take this down to the mess hall," the nurse started, pointing to the tray and dishes on it, "then we can get started, okay?"
"Alright," 'Ichael said, smiling so hard it almost hurt. "So, we'll get to leave the hospital?"
"Yeah, but I'll need to let the front desk know where we're going. Do you have any specific places you'd like to see?"
"For right now, how about the uh... whatsit called, the 'plaza'?"
"Yeah. Sure thing." On the way to the mess hall, some nurses and doctors passed the both of them, some even waving to either 'Ichael or the nurse, and a few looking at 'Ichael with confusion or something like that. Not everyone got to know 'Ichael yet, even though they were technically the first human patient the fe'rots had, according to the nurse. But it didn't feel bad to them. It actually felt kinda nice, in comparison to what they assumed was nothing but hate from the people back in Galvana.
Well, except from Bran and Joshua, obviously.
...I miss them already. It hasn't even been over a day.
Suddenly, 'Ichael realized they were looking at the tray drop off with the nurse no where near it. They were back at the door without a tray, looking at 'Ichael and clearly expecting them to follow again. "You okay?" they asked as 'Ichael hurried over.
"Yeah, sorry. Just distracted."
"Alright."
Thankfully, the desk wasn't too far away, and 'Ichael's thoughts focused back on getting to walk around the ship. At least, they should, after the nurse is done talking. Mostly because...
"Hey, Kor'kara!"
...the receptionist helped 'Ichael with Kor'kara's name. They hadn't asked before.
"And this must be... 'Ichael?" The receptionist stood up from his chair, hand extended to shake 'Ichael's. "Glad to finally meet you! How have you been doing?"
"Alright," 'Ichael said while briefly shaking hands, and then quickly putting their hand back to their crutch to not lose balance. Some things to still get used to.
"They wanted to stretch their legs, so to speak," Kor'kara added, "and they're thinking of going to the plaza for a bit."
"Oh," the receptionist let out. "Okay then. Well if you decide to go anywhere else, just let me know beforehand, alright?"
"Yeah," 'Ichael responded, their excitement building up as the chance to get out of the halls was getting closer and closer.
"Alright," he replied back, reaching back behind to pull some cards out and hand them to Kor'kara. "Have fun!"
"We will!" Kor'kara said, leading 'Ichael back through the halls, almost satisfying 'Ichael's excitement by suddenly walking quicker than they had been before.
It took 'Ichael more effort to keep up now. "You wanna get out of here too Kor'kara?"
"Well you haven't made your excitement subtle," they chuckled. "Just wanna make sure I get to the door before you do." The smile on their face was very much a taunt.
"It's harder to move around like this than you think," 'Ichael said. "Like, I wanted to run earlier but..."
"I know. I just wanna make sure you don't try to hurt yourself."
The doors leading out weren't that far now. Kor'kara, true to their word, led them through to the public square with all the noise and movement 'Ichael remembered. One of the 'living metal' carriages came overhead and slipped through the ceiling, filling 'Ichael with that overwhelming wonder from their first time here. It felt so good.
They found themself just closing their eyes and taking a deep breath, as if they hadn't been breathing their entire life. They even almost fell over backwards from tilting their head so far, but thankfully Kor'kara had a hand standing ready to catch them.
"Careful," Kor'kara laughed out, as 'Ichael's eyes almost jumped out of their head. And as soon as they could see further down, they could see people. But like, more of them. And most of them were humans. Humans from Galvana.
"Oh yeah," Kor'kara interjected, leaning over the railing. "I guess some of them are getting to know the place."
"What's going on?" 'Ichael asks as they walk closer to the edge. "Why are the soldiers here?"
"Oh, uh... These guys decided to surrender." 'Ichael looked over to them, dumbfounded. "I heard they decided to try and... take matters into their own hands, but some other people who came here from Galvana convinced them that they didn't need to do that." 'Ichael's eyes widened, but Kor'kara waved them down a bit. "Not Joshua and Bran, though. It wasn't them. It was some office workers and accountants 'n such."
This was pretty hard to process for 'Ichael, to say the least. It wasn't all that long ago that one of those guys tried to kill them.
Actually, isn't that the guy who did that to me? Isn't that him down there right now?
"Oh yeah, he's here too."
'Ichael looked back at Kor'kara, more dumbfounded. "You know who he is?"
"Yeah," Kor'kara replied like it shouldn't be all that surprising. "I have to keep an eye out for him. A lot of us do, and not just for him."
'Ichael shifted their weight around, trying to keep their legs or arms from hurting too much. "So... you don't trust them yet."
"Not fully. Obviously, we want them to... get better, live better lives. But... that doesn't mean they're off the hook. Kind of a weird position to be in, I know; you gotta trust them just enough that they'll make better choices while helping them learn about those choices, but also watch out for them... hurting others. Or themselves."
They both turned back to look down at the crowds as 'Ichael's thoughts started turning. "I didn't think any of them would ever want to do anything like this."
Kor'kara gently put a hand on 'Ichael's shoulder. "Well, not to make you seem the same as them, but... You do. And so does Bran."
'Ichael tried to laugh. "Yeah, I guess..."
"You'd be surprised by what people actually want a lot of the time."
Those words stuck in their head as they continued watching that one guy. He was being guided by a fe'rot and one of the smaller aliens - a ma'cidai, I think they're called - all while acting completely differently from how 'Ichael found them to be. Off guard, kinda shy... he was also looking around like someone was out to get him. "Like he's a completely different person here," 'Ichael said out loud.
"Maybe the next time you meet him, that'll basically be true," Kor'kara said, standing up from the railing. "Wanna walk?"
'Ichael pushed themself up again, and rested their weight back on the crutches. "Yeah," they said, a mix of curiosity and relief coming out.
They made their way around the plaza balcony, taking in sights, browsing locations where people could take things - not quite stores, but close enough according to Kor'kara - and a few instances of Kor'kara having to explain to locals who 'Ichael even was.
Kor'kara told 'Ichael that it was because of the uniform pants and undershirt they were still wearing from yesterday. In spite of that, it made them feel the same way they did in the hospital; important, and noticed in a way that didn't carry the weight they were used to from down below.
The fe'rots, ma'cidai and natives might view them the same way they do the new soldiers, but it didn't matter. 'Ichael knew they're different. And after living here long enough, they'd get to see that, obviously.
...
How long will I get to live here?
Uh... well, I suppose that depends on what happens with Joshua and Brandenson. Maybe Joshua will get more comfortable here.
"'Ichael!"
Oh! Sofia found us! She's coming from an elevator at the far wall.
Ah! Speaking of...
"How're you doing today?" She continued, walking up and casually resting on a leg as 'Ichael did the same thing with their crutches.
"Oh I've been good," 'Ichael began, trying once again to be 'calm'. "I've had more energy than I know what to do with, honestly."
"If it wasn't for the crutches, they'd be running," Kor'kara informed Sofia with a laugh.
"Hey, only a little! I'd be kinda just... going wherever without you."
"Yeah, Tor'me told me something like that," Sofia interjected.
Everybody seemed to be having a really good time talking with 'Ichael. And they'd only met these people yesterday.
'Ichael's vision got a little blurry.
"Still some pain?" Sofia asked.
"Oh, yeah, but it's feeling better than before," 'Ichael said, wiping their tears.
Sofia watched them for a bit before speaking again. "Good. I'm glad to hear that."
"What about you? What are you doing today?" 'Ichael blurted out.
"Oh, I've actually got some free time right now," Sofia started, their face lighting up. "After talking to some people about what we discussed yesterday, I initially wanted to see how the 'kids' were faring. I'm not in charge of that, thank goodness," Sofia added, letting out a sigh.
"Yeah, but so far it's been going really well," Kor'kara said. "I'm not a psychologist, but it doesn't seem that this group had as close of a connection to Galvana as we thought. At least, most of them."
"Are the officers--"
"Yeah, it's mostly the officers," Kor'kara finished the thought. "More emotional and physical investment than most," they added, looking to 'Ichael. "It should be fine though. No reason why they can't live normal lives too."
Joshua and Bran's recent conflicts came to mind for 'Ichael again.
"Actually..." 'Ichael suddenly started saying, "What, uh... How hard do you think it would be for them to do that?"
Sofia and Kor'kara both looked a little confused. "To... what, to live normal lives?" Kor'kara asked, tilting their head to the right.
"Yeah," 'Ichael responded as the thought was finally complete in their head. Joshua, Bran and 'Ichael living away from that town - art piece or whatever it was - felt like a very nice idea. But...
"Well it'll definitely take some adjustments on their end," Kor'kara continued, "but we can give them everything they'd need up here already. That's one of the biggest hurdles when it comes to completely starting over your life."
Starting over. That phrase stuck to 'Ichael. They could think of the others being here, or living in a nice house with nice neighbors and nice food; it really wasn't that hard to do, even keeping in mind Joshua's real-life problems. But 'Ichael...
When 'Ichael tried to imagine themself in that kind of place, it was like... like looking into a mirror. There would just be a grey blob where 'Ichael was supposed to be. Like there always was.
How would I do that?
"How would I do that?"
The other two just looked at 'Ichael; Kor'kara's head tilted the other way, and Sofia's face looked a little sad, as well as curious at the question. The moment stayed like this for a little bit as the sounds of the plaza continued on.
"Well," Sofia started, her expression coming back to a smile, "first you should worry about healing up. And speaking of," she continued, walking backwards a few steps, "is there anywhere else you wanna walk? We've been standing still for a bit."
It can take a long time for anything to heal, organic or not. Of course appropriate support helps, but in less ideal cases things are or must be left to heal on their own. In the worst case, irreparable damage is left behind, or nothing heals at all.
Joshua is sitting at the table alone now, after Bran and It'kara carried a very casual conversation Joshua couldn't bring himself to follow into another room. He can still hear their voices, even if they're significantly muffled through the walls. The only thing left to keep him company at the table is his bowl of black bean soup, partially eaten.
At least it's warm, he thinks as his body starts running cold. The room hasn't lost any heat, but it makes him shiver.
Tor'me is watching him while laying back against the counter, enjoying his own black bean soup. Nothing is said between them as the moments continue on in silence.
Joshua can only bring himself to take in some soup every now and then, glancing over at Tor'me the rest of the time. Tor'me doesn't seem to have taken his eyes off Joshua though, even while going through more spoons of soup.
Eventually, Tor'me lets out a heavy, content sigh as he places his bowl on the counter and looks back to Joshua.
"So we still make you uncomfortable?" Tor'me asks, not carrying any judgement or scorn with his tone.
Joshua freezes with the spoon in his mouth, his eyes moving between Tor'me and anywhere near him. He isn't sure if he should even answer that question.
Tor'me briefly waits for a response before taking a deep breath. "This isn't the easiest thing to adjust to, I know." Another pause, but Joshua still doesn't reply. He's just trying to focus on his soup now.
"I uh... I was actually in the same position as you." Even Joshua can tell Tor'me's having a hard time keeping up a conversation by himself. Still doesn't answer him.
"Heck, you might've already guessed but... I used to be a soldier too."
Joshua drops the spoon in the bowl as his entire face now meets Tor'me's. He's not even sure he heard what he actually said.
"Oh," Tor'me responds to Joshua's expression. "Well, uh, yeah. It'kara's the only one of us with any experience or... 'credentials' with diplomacy. I'm only helping them with this as a sort of favor. Or at least, that's how I see it."
Joshua wasn't confident that he knew what he should say, but at this point, silence felt impossible.
"Why are you telling me this?"
Tor'me's face lit up in surprise. He continued. "I want to let you know that you aren't the only person who felt stuck with what they had, or that the things you've done make it impossible for you to change. They don't. And things can get better."
Hearing these words, Joshua felt a bit warm on the inside. It wasn't his soup, though. It was something emotional. Something similar to how Bran could make him feel before the attempted raid on the town below the shield. While it was here, it felt really good, and radiated through him.
But it was followed by something uncomfortable. And it's easier to identify this time. The same thing that Joshua must've been feeling these past few days.
Doubt. Mixed with some hate. But... all still nebulous.
"You don't know me."
...
Joshua finally finished his bowl, but he couldn't look at Tor'me anymore.
"Maybe not," Tor'me responded simply. "But I'd like to get to know you better."
...
Joshua's chest felt light, but a bit... cramped? Or at least something akin to sore. Looking down at the table was the only thing he could do right now, even as he could still feel Tor'me looking at him with empathy.
Tor'me took a few steps to the table, his talons offsetting the silence and disturbing Joshua's comfort slightly. "Is it okay if I sit?", Tor'me asked softly.
Joshua didn't respond. He wasn't opposed, even if it felt like an invasion, for some reason. Tor'me seemed to pick up on this too and slowly took the seat on the far-side of the table.
Too?
Huh?
Oh, come on. I'm not stupid.
...What are you talking about?
The both of you! You're not picking up shit!
Oh, what, the things you've done these past few days with Bran and everybody else was all just in your head then?
It's not telling you what you think it is! I'm not 'afraid' I can't change!
You literally told Bran and 'Ichael 'this is all we've ever known' a few fucking days ago, and you expect me to believe that has nothing to do with how you've been--
--Ah?!
I'm... I'm out of his head again! Did he push me out?
...he's just sitting there with Tor'me, stuck with the rest of his head.
...and now he's walking away.
And naturally, healing by yourself can be seen as more difficult, at least in the case of such strong self doubt. If left to figure out things alone, it's possible to come to the wrong conclusion about what should be done or what the problem even is.
It'kara gave a healthy chortle. "Oh, I wouldn't blame you if you knocked out a few teeth at that point," they said to Bran, grinning wide.
"Yeah, but at that point, I was mostly focused on getting 'John' away from 'Ichael," Bran replied simply.
"Seems like that happens to him a lot, from what you tell me. 'John', I mean."
"Every time I've seen him at least, yeah." Bran continued with a sigh. "Not the most popular guy I've seen, even if he's trying to change that quite aggressively."
"Should be a good change, then."
"Hope so." Bran takes another drink of water, a quick sip before putting it back down on the table. His face is a bit reserved now, and he's gone quiet.
"Thinking about Joshua?"
Bran's face lights up in surprise, then he looks back down at his glass and chuckles. "Yeah," he softly confirms.
It'kara's mind reminisces in response. Their vision flows from Bran's forlorn face to the fear and shock the Southern Paiute held at the first sight of It'kara and their team. Words could not show the care they felt to those people at the time. But at least, after some hesitation - and kneeling and bowing - they showed warmth. Better results than before...
Their mind then jumps to Tor'me, when they were both younger. But they shake the memory from their mind, a chill running down their spine before they look back to Bran. He rubs his glass with his thumb, no words coming to his mouth.
"Would it be too much of me to share my opinion on the subject?" It'kara said, their voice careful as if trying to step over glass ornaments.
Bran's eyes wandered a bit, considering. "I don't see why it would be," he replied.
It'kara quietly sighed, their shoulders falling a little. "Well, I've had my own bad experiences of trying to help people in situations like what he have here. With children as soldiers especially."
Bran looked perplexed. "Wait, you've gone through this before?" he asks, gesturing broadly to the town and 'Galvana' below them.
"Well not this exact scenario, but..." It'kara tried to find lighter words. "We definitely have a history of child soldiers on Ci'tari, our home planet."
Bran looks very sorry to hear that.
"We've been trying to heal for a very long time, and... anyways, I know it can be harder when it's someone you know. Admittedly, I haven't had the best luck in that when I was younger."
Now Bran looked confused. "But... why would you stick with it then?"
"I wanted to show myself I could do it. I didn't exactly have guidance when I started, I was... a kid. I was trying to help Tor'me get out of a vicious occupying force."
Bran was rendered silent. They continued.
"But to say the least, I wasn't the one to get them out. I failed." It'kara watched Bran's face, waiting for a response. None came, so they shifted their seat. "I'm sorry, what I suppose I'm trying to say is... whatever happens, don't take it too personally. It's not your fault things are the way they are."
Bran tilted his head to the side, inquiringly. "Do you not think Joshua will want to leave?"
It'kara smiled. "Actually, we've all had much more luck in 'converting' these hostages than our own people. If anything, I'm hopeful for you three."
Bran leaned back into his chair, seeming to relax a little. "I wish I had some of that hope," he said, his voice breaking slightly. Then he suddenly leaned over the table again. "Actually, you know the worst part? This isn't new for us. He's always been 'okay' with everything in that place 'cause... you know, I suppose you have to to survive, right? But this? He's never been like this before, not this aggressive about the idea of... finally leaving."
It'kara felt some concern of their own. "So he's usually been apathetic? Or, you know... unworried?"
"Yeah, I suppose. I mean," Bran pulls himself back again, "I tried to ask him to be more open to you guys and he said he'd try. I don't think he's lying about it. I'm just worried, I guess."
"I understand," It'kara said. "But you never have to do this alone, Bran. If you ever think we can help you--"
The door to the living room opened and Tor'me leaned through, looking a bit concerned.
"Uh, hey," It'kara said, a bit distracted.
"Did I come in at a bad time?" Tor'me asked quietly
"No?" Bran responded. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure if I did something wrong, but I was trying to talk to Joshua about his reservations about us and he stepped out of the house."
The room was quiet for a brief moment. It'kara could see Bran's face sink with his heart.
"Did he say why?"
"I think he said something about needing some air."
With Tor'me and It'kara looking at Bran, the words only became heavy on It'kara's own chest. They hated how much their own memories fit to this scenario, or at least how much they attached themselves to it. They couldn't imagine what Bran must be wondering at this point, as much as they were hoping this wasn't anything serious.
But soon enough, Bran stood up from the chair and his face softened up a bit. "Can you two come with me? Just in case?"